Life is Kind of a Paradox

          This is all still unbelievable to me. It is really hard for me to believe that I'm really living in Missouri now and my dad and brother are still in New Mexico. What if this is all a dream? What if I wake up tomorrow in my own bed a week before school started? I told Mom that and she said "This would have to be a coma dream." Then I thought what if it is a coma dream? What if I wake up tomorrow to find out it's a week after my stomach surgery? What if my whole life is just a dream? It's very perplexing to think about, and it really boggled my mind, so I thought I'd share it with you ;).

          On a side note, I apologize for not posting for a few days. I'm just running sort of low on inspiration because I'm doing so well. I've been walking around without my oxygen on! Today, I went into a Halloween store without it, and it felt so great. I can't tell you how great it felt to not have to deal with that stupid tank.

    Sorry, it's a short post. I'll try to do better tomorrow

Keep smiling! :)

A Few Good Things...

     So, being the optimist that I am, I was thinking today about good things that have come out of this whole endeavor. At first, I was like "This totally sucks friggin' balls," but now that I think about it, there are a few good things. Here's the list:

• I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL
• I do miss school sometimes because I miss seeing people every day (believe it or not, I do miss being social). I also miss the normality of it. I know it's dorky, but I miss carrying my backpack, and driving myself to school every morning. However, I do not miss having to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn to go to school. 
• THIS BLOG
• Yesterday, Mom commented that this is one of the good things that came out of all this. She thinks it's really amazing, and I kind of have to agree. I think it's been good for me to be able to write down what I'm feeling and share it with people. 
• I GET TO EXPERIENCE A NEW PART OF THE COUNTRY
• Yeah, I've visited St. Louis before, but now I'm getting the chance to really experience it. Today, I learned how the pick-up line at my cousins' school works, and I almost got put on the "official" list of people who can pick them up. 
• I GOT TO ATTEND A GREEK FESTIVAL
• This was back in ABQ, but it was still really cool. That was some of the BEST Greek food I"ve ever tasted! And I got a really cool bracelet that has helped me through all this. It's supposed to ward off evil looks, which you get a lot of when you're a 17 year old with a tank of oxygen and a tube coming out of your nose.
• WE GOT TO SEE THE LION KING!
• That was just amazing! I can hardly believe how awesome it was! We might have been able to go had this not happened, but more likely, we would have had something else going on. 
• MOM AND I HAVE REALLY BONDED
• Not that we needed any help bonding, lol. We were already closer than most mothers and daughters are, but I think this also proved close we really are. Now, we've spent almost 11 weeks straight together, basically in the same room all the time, and we haven't tried to kill each other. How many people do you know that can do that? 
• I'VE BECOME MORE ARTISTIC
• I've always been an artist, mostly through my dancing, but now that I can't dance (not so much can't as probably shouldn't so much just yet) I've had to channel my art elsewhere. Somethings that have happened because of that:
• My duct tape journal (a journal with pages made of duct tape, and decorations, also of duct tape, along with brightly colored paper, stickers, pictures, etc.)
• This Blog
• My optimists' journal
• I CAN DYE MY HAIR!
• I love Ms. B, and I would so much rather have to abide by her rules than be a thousand miles away and dealing with all this, but since we're focusing on the positive, I'm getting my hair dyed in about a week, and I'm super excited!! 
• I CAN EAT AS MUCH AS I WANT TO OF ALMOST ANYTHING I WANT TO
• Because I didn't eat for a month straight, I lost A LOT of weight, and since I have trouble gaining it anyways (because of the CF), the docs told me to eat lots of things that have lots of fat... which means ice cream, and Cheetos, which are currently my favorite snacks. 

Okay, I think that's a long enough list. You get the gist of it. 

"Gotta Keep Your Head Up, Hey-ay...."

"...Gotta let your hair down, Ho-oh..." Those are literally the only lyrics I know to that song. I don't even know the title! Despite all that, it's still been running through my head all day. So I thought I'd try it. I let my hair down and headed outside for a walk... And almost instantly went back inside. It's like a billion degrees here in STL, MO. (That's going to be the new abbreviation for St. Louis, Missouri). And, to make it worse, there humidity is at least that many times worse than in New Mexico.

I miss NM. I'm not saying STL MO is bad, I just miss NM. There you go, you have it on record. I never ever thought I'd say that in a million years, but it's true. Of course, I never would have predicted any of this would happen. It just goes to show you that no matter how hard you work, or how much you plan your life, you have no idea what's coming next. I mean, I think that after I finish typing, I'll post this on my blog, then share it on Facebook as a friendly reminder. However, I could just barely finish this sentence before my mom calls me and says she needs a ride somewhere, then I forget about this until tomorrow......

.....Nope, no call. So I guess for now, life will continue as predicted. I'll let you know if that changes though. ;)



     A few posts back, I asked if pictures were good. I got lots of positive responses, then have failed to post another picture, lol. None of my pictures fit the topic very well. So, every once in a while, if I haven't posted a picture recently, I'll choose one at random and share it with you, or I'll take a picture of myself, just to give you an update on how I look (which hasn't changed really at all in the last few months.... except I'm no longer just skin and bones... yeesh that was scary)

The picture for today is..... DRUM ROLL...  dadadadadadadadadadadada

DUT DUT TADA!!!!

This photo was taken at Cape Meares in Oregon. It is one of my absolute favorites because it's my brother, my dad, and me, and now that they're in a different state than me, I love pictures like this. Another reason I love it is because Reilly is so FREAKING TALL!!!! Well, Dad's tall too (Rei had to get it somewhere, hehe), but the way Reilly stands with his chin up, JUST so he can appear even taller! Haha, that kid never fails to remind me how much taller than me he is.... I miss you guys :(

51 Days  Till Christmas Break

Life's Not Fair

Life's not fair, we all know it's true. Sometimes it's so unfair, it just makes us want to throw up. Today, I'm just going to rant a little. So, I'm a 17 year old who needs oxygen. That's the first unfair thing. Because I have to wear oxygen all the time, I either have to be hooked up to a concentrator, which has to be plugged into an electrical outlet, or I have to cart around a tank of oxygen that is half my size and weighs more than I am allowed to lift right now (so someone else has to lift it in and out of the car for me). It's just a freaking hassle, plus it's so bulky and it takes up an entire seat's space at the movie theatre, or at the dinner table, etc. And sometimes, the cart has a mind of its own and it's almost impossible to steer. I've tried to get a smaller one that I can carry around in a backpack, but guess what! We need proof that I actually need one (like a low O2 saturation level). I guess they're expensive, so they don't just want to be giving them out to just anyone. A lot of them are being used by people who smoked their lives away and now need oxygen to even survive. Oh, I'm sorry I was born with this chronic lung disease that makes it hard for me to breathe. That was totally my bad for not destroying my lungs on my own.

     So here's my message to all you smokers out there. Eff you. And guess what? I don't care if I just horribly offended you. Do you know how many days of my life I have spend just wishing I could breathe? And there you go, wasting a perfectly good pair of lungs.

     There are so many things we take for granted that other people spend most of their lives wishing they had. Think about that for a second, and maybe tomorrow, you'll think twice about that cigarette.

Filling in my States

    Today is a very special day in my life. Today is the birthday of the most inspiring person to ever have been a part of my life.
       
      Motz:
             You are the inspiration for this blog. It didn't matter how much crap you went through, I never saw you without a smile on your face. So today, I'm dedicating my blog to you. Love you, Motzy.

And, also in honor of Motz, I would like to share with you an essay that I wrote in English III my junior year (which was last year). It fits the current situation, and I will explain why at the end.

Filling-in My States

             I love reading. I’ve loved reading my whole life. In kindergarten, I was so proud of myself because I could read a chapter book. Granted it was a “chapter book” written for young kids, but I didn’t know that then, so I was psyched. The summer after my seventh grade year, I kept a list of books I had read that summer; my goal was to read one hundred books before school started again. Now I just keep lists of books that I read each year. In 2011, I read thirty-two books (I know that sounds lame compared to one hundred in a summer, but that summer, I didn’t have anything else to focus on or worry about, and I had several hours in the car while we traveled). One of my absolute favorite classes has always been English because I become exposed to more literature. In my Junior English class, we studied the Romantic period. Sometimes, people ask me if I think I should have been born in a different decade. I find that to be an interesting question, because there’s not really a “should have” about it. I was born into the twentieth century; that’s just how it is. But, if I could have chosen when to live, the Romantic period would have been a major candidate. I love the idea of worshipping nature, and  I love the idea of hating corporations. When my English teacher gave us a list of books to choose from, I chose to read Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer. When I was in the middle of it, I thought it was a captivating book, but I had no idea the kind of effect it would have on me once I finished it. I’ve told my parents that if I ever choose to load my 1989 turquoise Jeep Wrangler up with a few of my possessions and take off on a random trip across the country (which is quite possible), they can blame Mrs. Wilkinson.
             About a month before the beginning of our study of the Romantics, I had a doctor’s appointment; it was one of the most memorable appointments I’ve ever had. I was feeling really well for the first time in almost a year, so I was expecting them to tell me that I was doing well, or that they were proud of me. That wasn’t the case at all. Most people don’t discover reality until they are at least thirteen years of age. Due to the fact that I spent most of my childhood in the hospital, I had some subconscious idea of the fact that life is not a fairy tale; money does not grow on trees; we are not invincible; therefore, life is short. My parents have done a superior job of making my life easier and more fun, and that made it easier for me to imagine the fairy tale land. I’ve known it not to be true most of my life, but it really hit me, like a eighteen-wheeler speeding down the freeway, at that doctor’s visit, when my doctor told me I should plan my future based on the quality of lung transplant centers across the country. She said St. Louis, Missouri has the best center. That broke my heart because all my life I’ve been planning on attending college and living the rest of my days somewhere around Denver, Colorado. I love being up there, in the mountains.  When I’m there, it feels like I’m home, even though, throughout my entire life, my literal home has been in Aztec, New Mexico. Don’t get me wrong, I love St. Louis, but it’s not Denver. The next few weeks, I went to school, but I wasn’t very focused. It was all sort of like a dream. I kept thinking “So I get a transplant within the next 4 years… Then how long have I got?”  Then we started the Romantic period, and I read Into the Wild really quickly because it was appealing. After Krakauer published Into the Wild, many people said McCandless was stupid for taking off into the wild, but, while it might not have been the smartest thing to do, it’s what he wanted, and it’s what made him happy. Why do we have to be judged for what makes us happy?         
I noticed my attraction to that book when it was time to return them, and I had lots of trouble parting with it. Several times, I almost bought my own copy, just to have it. Christopher “Alexander Supertramp” McCandless has been buried in my heart, and I think about him and his miraculous, but also fatal, journey almost every day.  Sometimes, when I think about McCandless, I also think about my first, second, and third grade teacher, Susan Motz. When she retired, her and her husband sold their house, hitched their Open Road camper trailer to their ripe tomato-red pickup truck, and drove. Every summer, they’d come down and stay at a trailer park near Vallecito, Colorado. On the side of their camper trailer, they had a map of the United States with a sticker for each state they had spent at least one night in. That could very easily be me. I want all my states to be filled in.  Though I would never hitchhike, and I would never stray from the marked trail in Alaska during the winter, and I would never disappear without telling someone where I was going (all of these being things McCandless did), I could very easily just get in my car and travel. Before I read that book, I knew some people chose to live a vagabond lifestyle, but I never really thought about it, not this deeply.
  Some people find comfort in routine. Upon figuring out they only had a few years left, those people would continue on with their lives, going to school or work every day, carrying on with their normal routine. Maybe they’re trying to forget about death. I’m the opposite. I want to see the world; I want to embrace the nature, and enjoy it while it’s still there. If I only have a few years left, then why am I going about the same routine every day? Why do I drive the same route, fifteen minutes of my life both ways, to school every morning and home every evening? Why, when I get home, do I sit down at my computer and do my homework? I feel like a robot! I feel like a fish, stuck in the same current, just going in circles and never going anywhere with life! Into the Wild was a remarkable book, and I’m mostly glad I read it; however, some days I wish we hadn’t learned about the Romantics because now, I feel like I’m missing out. By forcing me to go to school, I feel like the government is wasting my life. All because of 250 pages, I’m rethinking my whole future. 

Now, here I am, six months later, and my life has changed completely. I've still got a few things tying me down and preventing me from loading up that Jeep (which is currently in a different state).  However, things aren't all bad. So I had to move. It's just the first step to filling- in my states.
Thank you, Motz and Doug, for being the inspiration for this essay as well. This essay changed my life, it helped me realize what I really wanted to do. So thanks. :)

"I'm Bored"

"'I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. And even the inside of your own mind is endless. It goes on forever inwardly. Do you understand? Being the fact that you're alive is amazing, so you don't get to be bored." 

This doesn't happen so much during the school year, but over the summer, I cannot count high enough to tell you how many times I see "I'm bored" on Facebook, (and to make it worse, "bored" is usually spelled wrong). So, one day I saw this on... somewhere. Pinterest, maybe? Anyway, it doesn't matter where I saw it. I wrote it down because I found it when I was in the hospital, and if anywhere is going to make a person bored, it'll be that place. I was there for six weeks, then home for two days, then back in the hospital for another week, and not once did I think the words "I'm bored." Somehow, I managed to entertain myself for six weeks in a small, white, disgusting hospital room. If that's possible, I'm just absolutely positive that someone who is not in the hospital can find a way to entertain him/herself. And this post just proves it. Whoever said this is totally correct. Our minds are infinitely full of things to do, even if it's just writing a story in your head, or designing a roller coaster in your head. (How much fun would that be?)  Heck, maybe even start a blog! Lol, just kidding.

    And if you're so dumb that you can't entertain yourself, maybe send me an email, or comment and I'll help you with your creative intelligence.

And just an FYI, anyone who posts anything about being bored on Facebook ever again, you will meet the virtual wrath of Maggie.

If you wake up today...

     Good morning!! (I'm sure it's still morning somewhere in the world, lol.) We arrived safely in St. Louis, MO around 10:30 central time last night. As I predicted, it was a hard day, especially when my aunt played Jason Mraz's "I Won't Give Up." Have you ever listened to a song and the lyrics totally described whatever you were going through at that moment? Yeah, that's how it was for me. So, I decided that I'm going to work on choreographing a lyrical dance to that song. It's going to take me a while to get strong enough to actually do it, but it's going to happen. I know it. Besides, what kind of optimist doesn't believe in herself? Lame! Another thing that made it all hard is that when we finally arrived, it was just my mom and me. You're probably thinking "duh, that's how it's been for a month now," but at the condo, it was okay because I didn't have SO many memories of Dad and Brother at the condo. Here, that's all there is. I've never been here without them before... and so continues the countdown.

     55 Days until Christmas Break

I was flipping through my optimist journal, trying to find the perfect quote for today, and this is what I found. I chose it for a couple reasons. 

"If you wake up today in a different place, you can cry all you want, or join in the dance..."

The first reason is because I wrote this down in my journal on September 1st, three days before my stomach surgery. There was a chance (a very small chance, but still a chance) that they would have to intubate me. We wanted to avoid that because the doc was afraid my lungs weren't strong enough to then get off the ventilator. So, we had it worked out that if the surgeons had to intubate me, the hospital would then fly me to St. Louis for a lung transplant. So I wrote this down because there was a chance that I could be waking up from surgery in a whole different room, a whole different hospital, heck a whole different STATE! I told myself, "even if that happens, it'll be okay. There are people there that will take care of you. St. Louis is a great city." I would've joined in the dance. So now, here we are. I woke up this morning in a different place, but I've already joined in the dance.
The second reason is because of the rest of the song. It's from a song called "Drive" by Eddie From Ohio. I thought this was perfect because we drove for 16 hours straight yesterday, lol.

Keep dancing!

Peace, Love, and Rice Krispie Treats

Lucky you! Two posts today! But this one wont be nearly as extensive. We are all packed up... Well, that's a lie. The car is basically full, but we still have stuff in the condo... :? Uh oh.
According to google maps, it's 16 hours from our condo to grandma and grandpa's house in Glendale, MO. It's going to be a long day, but my crazy car buddies (Mom and Her Sister) claim we're leaving at 4:00 a.m. What?!?! Seriously?!? Oh boy. Guess I'll be sleeping in the car.
My last day in New Mexico (for a while) was actually really nice. I got to see some people very very dear to my heart. One of them even made me Rice Krispie treats!
Honestly, it's gonna be hard to cross that border tomorrow. I'm gonna cry, and maybe throw something, but I just hope that once we cross that border, it'll start to feel okay again. Right now, it's a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, because now we're really leaving Dad and Brother at home. This past month has been hard, but we've seen them every weekend, and a few times extra. Now we're really leaving. So I guess this post will start the countdown.

57 days until Christmas break.

So this post was more extensive than I planned. I just got on a roll. Good night. The next time I post, I will no longer be a New Mexican, and that makes me sad. Why? I have no clue because I hate New Mexico... Except for the blue sky. I'm gonna miss the blue sky....

Fear of Falling, or lack there of. (Warning: Slight Foul Language)

“I’d risk the fall just to know what itfeels like to fly”–Unknown

      I’m terrified of heights. I hate to admit it because I hate being afraid of stuff. I feel puny when I’m afraid of stuff, however it’s the truth. I am terrified of heights. I’m deathly afraid that I’m going to fall and break something, or worse. You’re probably thinking “I thought this chick was supposed to be an optimist….” Well, I still am, sort of because I don’t let that stop me. Like the quote says I should, I ignore my fear and go as high as I possibly can. So the lesson for today is a very well known statement. (That’s the teacher’s kid in me coming out). You can’t let your fears control your life. If I let my fear of heights control me, I never would have:

Jeeping above Silverton;
Hurricane Pass

·        Gone up in the St. Louis Arch, the Gateway to the West

·        Ride the chair lift at the ski resort, and therefore never riding from the top of the mountain

·        Assisted the lighting technician in my theatre group

·        Seen so many wonderful things from the top (or close to) of various mountains, peaks, and hills

And I cannot express to you how important these events were/are in my life. The dirt roads that take me into the mountains behind Purgatory/Durango Mountain Resort are some of my favorite places to be: just me and my Jeep (and usually Dad, and sometimes Mom, and sometimes even Brother),taking in the truly fresh air. But I never could have gone up there had I let my fears control me, because those dirt roads are narrow, and one side is very much a “drop off.” It’s terrifying. And it’s awesome. (I’m kind of an adrenaline junkie. Haha)

Now, here I sit, knowing there is a lung transplant in my future, possibly sooner rather than later. Here I sit, at the age of 17,thinking about the possibility of death. Do I know what it feels like to fly?Hell yeah, I do. However, just because I know how doesn't mean I quit. So lookout, St. Louis, you are about to be graced with the presence of a complete BADASS.  

The Little Things

I tried to show you how the room
is painted, but it's not a
great picture :/

Hello, all! 

Hope this post finds all of you well and loving life! 

“Remember that at any given time, there are 1000 things you can love,” – Unknown

                How many times have you heard “it’s the little things in life that matter,”? A lot?Yeah, me too. However, now I realize it’s true. Last night, Mom and I went to see The Lion King, the Broadway musical. Well, it was incredible! The costumes of the animals were… holy cow, I don’t even know how to explain it. TO MY DANCE AND THEATRE FRIENDS: Imagine the costume changes you've done in your life, quick change or otherwise. Well some of these people went from wearing a unitard and a gazelle hat to wearing a giraffe-looking thing that was probably…well I have really no clue, but it was at least 10 feet, it had to be! One of my favorite things was the dancing grass. It was a chorus of 10-20 people and everyone had a patch of grass on her head, and a hoop skirt that was attached with twine looking stuff. Coolest thing ever!! And, it finally gave me a chance to dress up! I love dressing up, and since I haven’t been going to school, I have nowhere to wear my fancy clothes L.

And once again, I have strayed from my main point, lol.  Anyway, before the show, every time I thought about it, I always got a little bit bummed because I remembered that I’d have to deal with my tank of oxygen (like getting it up the stairs and finding a way to squeeze it between the seats), and I still have the chest tube/ one-way valve clipped to my shirt. However, once I put on my fancy skirt, and my adorable denim vest, oh and I can’t forget my favorite part, the boots, I forgot about those things, because it was totally worth it! In spite of all the insane,horrible stuff going on, there are things that can make me smile. For example,I spent a lot of today just raving about the show last night. It got me focused on something else. So, my advice to you, if you’re having a bad moment, look around and just start naming the things that are great, or that you love.

                Here’smy list for today: (Setting: Flying Star Café, Upstairs.)

1.      Mom (duh)

2.      The sunshine

3.      New Mexico Blue Sky

The Tap! Isn't it gorgeous?!

4.      The plants on the balcony

5.      The way this room is painted (See picture at the top)

6.      The mango iced tea I’m sipping

7.      My phone (duh, lol)

8.      The tap keychain dangling from my memory key

9.      The panda on my t-shirt J

10.  The “Got Oxygen?” bracelet on my wrist

Okay, so it’s not quite 1000, buthey, it’s a start, right? Things are not always as bad as they seem. Sometimespeople have trouble realizing that, and then they complain about ridiculousthings. So, please, for everyone’s sake, think about what you’re complainingabout and who you’re complaining to, because there’s always someone who’s gotit worse than you, and you don’t want to be complaining to that person. Believeme, I've been the listener. You have no clue how many times I've wanted to slapsomeone silly because he/she is complaining about ridiculous things. 

*I'm going to try to include more pictures in my posts. Bonus? Or no bueno? Comment and let me know! 

Sincerely, Magnolia

Just Keep Swimming

"Just keep Swimming," -Dory, Finding Nemo    

      Everyone (at least I hope most of you) are familiar with Finding Nemo, the movie from which the title of this post comes from. 

     Today I met with some friends from dance. They brought me cards from people at the studio. One of my favorite teachers said “17 years ago, I moved to Farmington. This is what I learned: You won’t lose your connections, and you’ll just make new connections where you’re going.” I thought about this for a while, because that was never the reason this was so hard. It’s my senior year of high school, and I was so happy. I was starting a tap solo that I was/ am so excited about, and I was going to do a duet, and have a lead role, and take a billion classes, AND I was going to do PlayMakers (the theatre group I'm a part of). It was going to be a GREAT year. That’s why this is all so hard, but I’d never thought about it that deeply before. It’s true though. The people that are important to me, will stay in touch, and probably come visit me, and I’ll make new friends as well. I’m excited for that, I love meeting new people.Currently, my friends list on Facebook is stable. I'm not adding friends, nor deleting them. I’m friends with everyone in this town that I want to be, so either new people move to Aztec, I friend people I don’t know, or I move from Aztec. Hopefully, my list will grow, but no matter what, I will honestly be able to say I know everyone on that list.

     Anyway, back to the quote. In Finding Nemo,Marlin kept swimming. What if he’d stopped swimming? He wouldn’t have found Nemo,he wouldn’t have met Dory, or the turtle whose name escapes me at the moment.He never would have discovered and experienced the open sea! And what kind ofstory is that. That would have been the WORST story in the history of ever. So,on that note, I’m swimming. I’m swimming the heck out of my life. Tata for now. 

Behind the Scenes

 ... So basically, everyone goes through hard times, some more than others. We all have our special ways to deal with those hard times. Some people cry, some people scream, some people throw things, and some people somehow combine all of these things. Me? I sometimes cry… actually I cry a lot, but in the end, I find myself looking for the bright side.

My hard time consisted of 7 weeks in the hospital, 6 weeks without a single bite of food, several invasive procedures to try to fix a distended stomach, and finally stomach surgery. Also, throughout this whole time, I had 6 chest tubes, each one another failed attempt to fix a recurring pneumothorax. Sometimes, we all need a little push to find the bright side of things. So I have created this blog for people who need that push. I started a journal that, for a while, I was writing at least one optimistic thing in everyday. Now that things are better, I just write in it when I have something new to report. With this blog, I will try to post everyday, but, as I’m sure many of you know, sometimes life just gets in the way of our plans. 

Keep Smiling! :)

Love, Maggie