Fried

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE POSTED ON THE EVENING OF NOVEMBER 3rd...but the internet quit on me.

I try so hard to be optimistic, I really do, however, sometimes, I just need to cry. Tonight, my Grandma took my mom and me to see Daddy Long Legs, which is a play. It was a great show! There were only two cast members! It was a musical, and usually I love musicals, but tonight there was a song about graduation and it just made me really sad. I miss my friends. I miss having a social life. I text people in the middle of the day, and then, when they don't respond, I remember that they have lives, they have school. I miss home. I haven't talked to a person my age since we've been here. The only people I've spoken to that are even close, are my cousins, ages 8 and 10. I died my hair today. It's purple, but I've already shown everyone I'm going to see for the next few weeks.

It's hard to see the purple :/.

When I take a better picture, I'll post it. 

Okay, my computer is wigging out, so I'll just write with the words centered. Thanks for listening, it really helped me to vent a little. Tomorrow, we're going to an "Estate Sale." I've never been to an "Estate Sale" before... I actually don't even know that I've been to a garage/yard sale. Hopefully that will go well. 

You Know You're a Dancer When...

Happy November, Everyone!! I hope you all had a safe and wonderful Halloween! In case you're wondering, I was a panda.------>

Aren't I freaking awesome!? 

 Unfortunately, I didn't get any candy. People in STLMO don't like giving candy to teenagers. Not even teenagers as damn cute as me! Lame. 

So, back to the title of this post. Today, I was listening to my music and I found myself kind of dancing around. Also, we were cleaning out our soon-to-be house and I kept twirling and tapping, etc. I've really been missing dance lately. I really don't want to let it fall out of my life, I just love it so much. I've been stretching a little, but I really don't think I'm ready to start going to classes again. Anyway, I was feeling kind of down on myself about dancing, so I Googled "You know you're a dancer when..."  and when I realized I still do some of these things, even though I haven't officially danced in almost four months, I felt better. Here are a few things I read: 

                 You Know You're a Dancer When...

• You find yourself going over a combination in your head (or in your Converse)
• Cracking your hips is the best feeling ever (okay, I don't know about best...)
• You dance to every song you hear, even the TV commercials
• You die a little inside when you see people not point their feet when they're supposed to. 
• You describe your bruises (scars, blisters, etc.) as "FREAKING AWESOME"
• You get excited for new bobby pins 
• You hate one of your legs more than the other 
• You try to reach something in a high place, and subconsciously, you're in some sort of arabesque. 

• And, my favorite:  

                 You feel better when you dance :) 

This has never been more true in my life. It makes me cough like Hell, but even still, I feel so much better when I dance. 

And I can't forget to add a few of my own. 

   You know you're a dancer when....

• You take your pointe shoes on vacation with you
• You take your pointe shoes to the HOSPITAL with you
• You realize you won't be able to go home for... who knows how long and your tap shoes are the first thing you ask your dad to bring to you. 

Anyway, Keep Dancing and stay HAPPY!! :) 

Love, Maggs

Life is Kind of a Paradox

          This is all still unbelievable to me. It is really hard for me to believe that I'm really living in Missouri now and my dad and brother are still in New Mexico. What if this is all a dream? What if I wake up tomorrow in my own bed a week before school started? I told Mom that and she said "This would have to be a coma dream." Then I thought what if it is a coma dream? What if I wake up tomorrow to find out it's a week after my stomach surgery? What if my whole life is just a dream? It's very perplexing to think about, and it really boggled my mind, so I thought I'd share it with you ;).

          On a side note, I apologize for not posting for a few days. I'm just running sort of low on inspiration because I'm doing so well. I've been walking around without my oxygen on! Today, I went into a Halloween store without it, and it felt so great. I can't tell you how great it felt to not have to deal with that stupid tank.

    Sorry, it's a short post. I'll try to do better tomorrow

Keep smiling! :)

A Few Good Things...

     So, being the optimist that I am, I was thinking today about good things that have come out of this whole endeavor. At first, I was like "This totally sucks friggin' balls," but now that I think about it, there are a few good things. Here's the list:

• I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL
• I do miss school sometimes because I miss seeing people every day (believe it or not, I do miss being social). I also miss the normality of it. I know it's dorky, but I miss carrying my backpack, and driving myself to school every morning. However, I do not miss having to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn to go to school. 
• THIS BLOG
• Yesterday, Mom commented that this is one of the good things that came out of all this. She thinks it's really amazing, and I kind of have to agree. I think it's been good for me to be able to write down what I'm feeling and share it with people. 
• I GET TO EXPERIENCE A NEW PART OF THE COUNTRY
• Yeah, I've visited St. Louis before, but now I'm getting the chance to really experience it. Today, I learned how the pick-up line at my cousins' school works, and I almost got put on the "official" list of people who can pick them up. 
• I GOT TO ATTEND A GREEK FESTIVAL
• This was back in ABQ, but it was still really cool. That was some of the BEST Greek food I"ve ever tasted! And I got a really cool bracelet that has helped me through all this. It's supposed to ward off evil looks, which you get a lot of when you're a 17 year old with a tank of oxygen and a tube coming out of your nose.
• WE GOT TO SEE THE LION KING!
• That was just amazing! I can hardly believe how awesome it was! We might have been able to go had this not happened, but more likely, we would have had something else going on. 
• MOM AND I HAVE REALLY BONDED
• Not that we needed any help bonding, lol. We were already closer than most mothers and daughters are, but I think this also proved close we really are. Now, we've spent almost 11 weeks straight together, basically in the same room all the time, and we haven't tried to kill each other. How many people do you know that can do that? 
• I'VE BECOME MORE ARTISTIC
• I've always been an artist, mostly through my dancing, but now that I can't dance (not so much can't as probably shouldn't so much just yet) I've had to channel my art elsewhere. Somethings that have happened because of that:
• My duct tape journal (a journal with pages made of duct tape, and decorations, also of duct tape, along with brightly colored paper, stickers, pictures, etc.)
• This Blog
• My optimists' journal
• I CAN DYE MY HAIR!
• I love Ms. B, and I would so much rather have to abide by her rules than be a thousand miles away and dealing with all this, but since we're focusing on the positive, I'm getting my hair dyed in about a week, and I'm super excited!! 
• I CAN EAT AS MUCH AS I WANT TO OF ALMOST ANYTHING I WANT TO
• Because I didn't eat for a month straight, I lost A LOT of weight, and since I have trouble gaining it anyways (because of the CF), the docs told me to eat lots of things that have lots of fat... which means ice cream, and Cheetos, which are currently my favorite snacks. 

Okay, I think that's a long enough list. You get the gist of it. 

"Gotta Keep Your Head Up, Hey-ay...."

"...Gotta let your hair down, Ho-oh..." Those are literally the only lyrics I know to that song. I don't even know the title! Despite all that, it's still been running through my head all day. So I thought I'd try it. I let my hair down and headed outside for a walk... And almost instantly went back inside. It's like a billion degrees here in STL, MO. (That's going to be the new abbreviation for St. Louis, Missouri). And, to make it worse, there humidity is at least that many times worse than in New Mexico.

I miss NM. I'm not saying STL MO is bad, I just miss NM. There you go, you have it on record. I never ever thought I'd say that in a million years, but it's true. Of course, I never would have predicted any of this would happen. It just goes to show you that no matter how hard you work, or how much you plan your life, you have no idea what's coming next. I mean, I think that after I finish typing, I'll post this on my blog, then share it on Facebook as a friendly reminder. However, I could just barely finish this sentence before my mom calls me and says she needs a ride somewhere, then I forget about this until tomorrow......

.....Nope, no call. So I guess for now, life will continue as predicted. I'll let you know if that changes though. ;)



     A few posts back, I asked if pictures were good. I got lots of positive responses, then have failed to post another picture, lol. None of my pictures fit the topic very well. So, every once in a while, if I haven't posted a picture recently, I'll choose one at random and share it with you, or I'll take a picture of myself, just to give you an update on how I look (which hasn't changed really at all in the last few months.... except I'm no longer just skin and bones... yeesh that was scary)

The picture for today is..... DRUM ROLL...  dadadadadadadadadadadada

DUT DUT TADA!!!!

This photo was taken at Cape Meares in Oregon. It is one of my absolute favorites because it's my brother, my dad, and me, and now that they're in a different state than me, I love pictures like this. Another reason I love it is because Reilly is so FREAKING TALL!!!! Well, Dad's tall too (Rei had to get it somewhere, hehe), but the way Reilly stands with his chin up, JUST so he can appear even taller! Haha, that kid never fails to remind me how much taller than me he is.... I miss you guys :(

51 Days  Till Christmas Break

Life's Not Fair

Life's not fair, we all know it's true. Sometimes it's so unfair, it just makes us want to throw up. Today, I'm just going to rant a little. So, I'm a 17 year old who needs oxygen. That's the first unfair thing. Because I have to wear oxygen all the time, I either have to be hooked up to a concentrator, which has to be plugged into an electrical outlet, or I have to cart around a tank of oxygen that is half my size and weighs more than I am allowed to lift right now (so someone else has to lift it in and out of the car for me). It's just a freaking hassle, plus it's so bulky and it takes up an entire seat's space at the movie theatre, or at the dinner table, etc. And sometimes, the cart has a mind of its own and it's almost impossible to steer. I've tried to get a smaller one that I can carry around in a backpack, but guess what! We need proof that I actually need one (like a low O2 saturation level). I guess they're expensive, so they don't just want to be giving them out to just anyone. A lot of them are being used by people who smoked their lives away and now need oxygen to even survive. Oh, I'm sorry I was born with this chronic lung disease that makes it hard for me to breathe. That was totally my bad for not destroying my lungs on my own.

     So here's my message to all you smokers out there. Eff you. And guess what? I don't care if I just horribly offended you. Do you know how many days of my life I have spend just wishing I could breathe? And there you go, wasting a perfectly good pair of lungs.

     There are so many things we take for granted that other people spend most of their lives wishing they had. Think about that for a second, and maybe tomorrow, you'll think twice about that cigarette.

Filling in my States

    Today is a very special day in my life. Today is the birthday of the most inspiring person to ever have been a part of my life.
       
      Motz:
             You are the inspiration for this blog. It didn't matter how much crap you went through, I never saw you without a smile on your face. So today, I'm dedicating my blog to you. Love you, Motzy.

And, also in honor of Motz, I would like to share with you an essay that I wrote in English III my junior year (which was last year). It fits the current situation, and I will explain why at the end.

Filling-in My States

             I love reading. I’ve loved reading my whole life. In kindergarten, I was so proud of myself because I could read a chapter book. Granted it was a “chapter book” written for young kids, but I didn’t know that then, so I was psyched. The summer after my seventh grade year, I kept a list of books I had read that summer; my goal was to read one hundred books before school started again. Now I just keep lists of books that I read each year. In 2011, I read thirty-two books (I know that sounds lame compared to one hundred in a summer, but that summer, I didn’t have anything else to focus on or worry about, and I had several hours in the car while we traveled). One of my absolute favorite classes has always been English because I become exposed to more literature. In my Junior English class, we studied the Romantic period. Sometimes, people ask me if I think I should have been born in a different decade. I find that to be an interesting question, because there’s not really a “should have” about it. I was born into the twentieth century; that’s just how it is. But, if I could have chosen when to live, the Romantic period would have been a major candidate. I love the idea of worshipping nature, and  I love the idea of hating corporations. When my English teacher gave us a list of books to choose from, I chose to read Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer. When I was in the middle of it, I thought it was a captivating book, but I had no idea the kind of effect it would have on me once I finished it. I’ve told my parents that if I ever choose to load my 1989 turquoise Jeep Wrangler up with a few of my possessions and take off on a random trip across the country (which is quite possible), they can blame Mrs. Wilkinson.
             About a month before the beginning of our study of the Romantics, I had a doctor’s appointment; it was one of the most memorable appointments I’ve ever had. I was feeling really well for the first time in almost a year, so I was expecting them to tell me that I was doing well, or that they were proud of me. That wasn’t the case at all. Most people don’t discover reality until they are at least thirteen years of age. Due to the fact that I spent most of my childhood in the hospital, I had some subconscious idea of the fact that life is not a fairy tale; money does not grow on trees; we are not invincible; therefore, life is short. My parents have done a superior job of making my life easier and more fun, and that made it easier for me to imagine the fairy tale land. I’ve known it not to be true most of my life, but it really hit me, like a eighteen-wheeler speeding down the freeway, at that doctor’s visit, when my doctor told me I should plan my future based on the quality of lung transplant centers across the country. She said St. Louis, Missouri has the best center. That broke my heart because all my life I’ve been planning on attending college and living the rest of my days somewhere around Denver, Colorado. I love being up there, in the mountains.  When I’m there, it feels like I’m home, even though, throughout my entire life, my literal home has been in Aztec, New Mexico. Don’t get me wrong, I love St. Louis, but it’s not Denver. The next few weeks, I went to school, but I wasn’t very focused. It was all sort of like a dream. I kept thinking “So I get a transplant within the next 4 years… Then how long have I got?”  Then we started the Romantic period, and I read Into the Wild really quickly because it was appealing. After Krakauer published Into the Wild, many people said McCandless was stupid for taking off into the wild, but, while it might not have been the smartest thing to do, it’s what he wanted, and it’s what made him happy. Why do we have to be judged for what makes us happy?         
I noticed my attraction to that book when it was time to return them, and I had lots of trouble parting with it. Several times, I almost bought my own copy, just to have it. Christopher “Alexander Supertramp” McCandless has been buried in my heart, and I think about him and his miraculous, but also fatal, journey almost every day.  Sometimes, when I think about McCandless, I also think about my first, second, and third grade teacher, Susan Motz. When she retired, her and her husband sold their house, hitched their Open Road camper trailer to their ripe tomato-red pickup truck, and drove. Every summer, they’d come down and stay at a trailer park near Vallecito, Colorado. On the side of their camper trailer, they had a map of the United States with a sticker for each state they had spent at least one night in. That could very easily be me. I want all my states to be filled in.  Though I would never hitchhike, and I would never stray from the marked trail in Alaska during the winter, and I would never disappear without telling someone where I was going (all of these being things McCandless did), I could very easily just get in my car and travel. Before I read that book, I knew some people chose to live a vagabond lifestyle, but I never really thought about it, not this deeply.
  Some people find comfort in routine. Upon figuring out they only had a few years left, those people would continue on with their lives, going to school or work every day, carrying on with their normal routine. Maybe they’re trying to forget about death. I’m the opposite. I want to see the world; I want to embrace the nature, and enjoy it while it’s still there. If I only have a few years left, then why am I going about the same routine every day? Why do I drive the same route, fifteen minutes of my life both ways, to school every morning and home every evening? Why, when I get home, do I sit down at my computer and do my homework? I feel like a robot! I feel like a fish, stuck in the same current, just going in circles and never going anywhere with life! Into the Wild was a remarkable book, and I’m mostly glad I read it; however, some days I wish we hadn’t learned about the Romantics because now, I feel like I’m missing out. By forcing me to go to school, I feel like the government is wasting my life. All because of 250 pages, I’m rethinking my whole future. 

Now, here I am, six months later, and my life has changed completely. I've still got a few things tying me down and preventing me from loading up that Jeep (which is currently in a different state).  However, things aren't all bad. So I had to move. It's just the first step to filling- in my states.
Thank you, Motz and Doug, for being the inspiration for this essay as well. This essay changed my life, it helped me realize what I really wanted to do. So thanks. :)